From the razor to the rosary

Unconditional Faith:

 Chapter 44:

My life has taken a drastic change, yet again. A month ago I got my heart ripped out by a man I love. I spent my nights crying over him, I spent my days just lying in my bed reminiscing about all the memories and feelings. Memories I knew I would never have again and feelings I knew I wouldn't feel again. Three days of my life I wasted lying in bed crying and there wasn't a thing anyone could do to get me out of my room.

Danielle and Jamie helped me out by taking turns to manage the shop those three days I didn't do anything. I knew it was hard on them. Between Danielle's studying and Jamie's projects they struggled to balance it all. The guys had left for two-months to finish The Black Parade tour, when Frank and Bob came to say goodbye I started crying again. Not to mention Danielle and Jamie most probably moped around the apartment as well because they had left, but I'm sure it wasn't as bad as me.

My room was filled with candy-wrappers, chocolate papers and chip packets. I wore the same sweat-pants and T-shirt for three days straight without showering or brushing my teeth. The T-shirt turned out to be one of his, I found it on the floor and after I wept about it, smelling his scent on it, I put it on. It was the time I had reached complete insanity. To me the world had died. When I looked out of the window, all I saw were dark rain clouds and trees without leaves, just dried up and broken as I was.

I became selfish, thinking the world owed me something. Thinking how could this happen to me? I've always done everything right. I ignored my two friends who dwelled in the halls and who knocked on my door countless times. I wanted to be alone - I wanted to be miserable...But the truth is life goes on with people living their lives, doing their thing. Life doesn't stop just because you have stopped living.

After those three days I started showing my face again, just in the apartment of course. My daily routine had changed from lying in bed to lying on the couch watching television. I kept on replaying the press conference, and when it came to those words he said, I would stop it - rewind it - and play it again. It was almost as if I wanted to hurt myself, but it made me get a thick skin. It made me stronger. It helped me deal with my feelings, especially the fact that I still love him.

It was two days before Christmas before I realized I was being completely pathetic. I was letting my friends down. I was turning into someone I wasn't, a weak being who hides whenever something goes wrong. It was a hard blow for me when a man I loved and trusted hurt me, but does that really mean that I should even allow him to make me feel like this? Allow him to make me act this way? My answer was no. 

I've decided that I would show him nothing can bring me down. He went on living his life like nothing happened, playing shows, meeting fans and laughing - so why couldn't I?

I got up early, the time I usually would for work. I got in the shower and washed away my feelings, rinsed off all the burdens. I got cleaned up. I tidied up my room and put new sheets on my bed. In the middle of everything Danielle and Jamie stood still in my doorway watching me. I could tell they were happy that I finally got out of my hole and they could give a sigh of relief.

Danielle needed me more than ever because it was only two-months before her wedding. She didn't want me to see how nervous she was, because I was going through my phase, but I was her maid of honor and after I apologized for my selfishness, I took on the challenge of arranging what was left to do for the wedding. Things have started to turn back to normal - and I was thankful for that.

Through the weeks I've being writing again. I have become my old independent self, who knows what she wants, when she wants it. I loved every minute of it! I have written songs and melodies. Short ideas for what I wanted because I have decided that my next career step would be making an album - something Danielle and I have always dreamt of doing.

Everything fell into place. Danielle was producing her very first record, which happened to be mine. I was thrilled when she suggested it, because I kept on throwing hints her way.

My life has taken a drastic turn - luckily for me it was in the right direction. There were days that I thought of my behavior. I wondered that if I didn't let my emotions out, if I just sucked it up and started living my life again - would I be sitting here next Danielle in the studio. Would I have figured out my next step? Questions we ask ourselves which we will never know the answers to. I think that if I didn't cry over him, my heart would still be aching and I would still be confused...

After all, giving up doesn't always mean you are weak, sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. I am a strong person and sometimes brilliant opportunities come disguised as impossible situations, hence my last month. I have been able to learn from that experience, it gave me courage to start again, so thank you Gerard Way for giving me inspiration for this record.

Danielle and I sat there listening to part of a song we have just recorded. So far everything went great, but it was long hours and frustrating times of recording the same thing over and over again.

"I like it" She smiled when it had finished

"Thank God, I really wasn't looking foreword to doing that again" I told her and she chuckled

"You don't really have a choice" Bret said leaning back in his chair

"Yeah I know I know" I sighed

"I guess I have to go to the piano now huh?" She asked as Bret nodded and she got up grabbing my hand hauling me with her into the next room. She sat down at the piano while I took my place in front of the microphone hanging from the ceiling.

"Give me the intro and the first verse" Bret told us as I tried to remember my lyrics "Start whenever you are ready"

Danielle started playing the melody she and I came up with yesterday for the song. It was a beautiful melody and I felt it fit perfectly to the words. As her fingers made their way across the black and white keys I got ready to start singing.

 "He drowns in his dreams

An exquisite extreme I know

He's as dammed as he seems

More heaven than a heart could hold

And if I try to save him

My whole world would cave in

Just ain't right, no it just ain't right"

Danielle stopped playing and I stopped singing. To me this song held something deeper. Of course all musicians write from their own experience, write what they know. Use similes and metaphors for creating the perfect illusion. When I start singing this song, I can't stop just after one verse, that's hard for me to do but I had to.

Bret called us in again to hear if we liked it or tell us what we should change. When we got inside Danielle let out a yell that deafened me.

"Oh my God! Bob" She threw her arms around his neck as I laughed at her actions "What are you doing here? Wait before you answer, first kiss me"

"We have a week off and decided that we would come here, where else would we be?" He asked as she smiled before she plastered her lips against his again

"Welcome back then, happy you are here" I greeted as Frank came stumbling through the door "Olla"

"Hey what's up?" He asked as he walked over and gave me a hug before he gave Danielle one as well and shook hands with Bret

"Nothing much, just working on a song" I simply replied taking a seat next to Bret

"Oh yeah that's right, you've decided to join the club" He grinned "So do you need a guitarist?"

"Do you honestly want to help me?" I frowned looking up to him

"Of course. I love working in the studio, since we are here for the week, we might as well help you out, be your own personal little band" He offered

"Hell yes" I stated "Give me another hug" I opened my arms widely as I hugged him tightly "That would be awesome."

"It would yes. We can start working with them tomorrow, if you'd like" Bret asked them

"Sure, I can't see the harm in that. Then I can spend time with my fiancé which makes it a bonus" Bob wiggled his brows while holding Danielle against him

"Just stay away from the instruments please" I mocked as I received a scowl from Danielle "Will it just be you and Bob?"

"No Mikey and Ray as well, I'm sure they don't have anything to do anyway" Frank shrugged careless and took a seat on my lap "What are we working on today?"

"A song called beautiful Disaster" I answered him

"Sounds pretty" He said with a little boys voice and I started chuckling, but it kinda hurt because of his weight pressing down on me "Can we hear it?"

"Sure" Bret pressed two buttons and the sound of Danielle's playing and my singing filled the room. I sat there listening watching the facial expressions trying to figure out what they think of it. When it was done the room was silent and I closed my eyes expecting the worst

"Jeez, I didn't know you could sing like that" Frank shifted his position to look at me as I opened my one eye looking at him "It's good!"

"Thank you, I hope you really mean that. I don't want you to lie to me or spare my feelings just because I'm the one writing the songs" I told them

"We won't do that silly" Danielle informed me "I...or rather we wouldn't want you to go out there and make a fool of yourself"

"That's sweet of you" I claimed a bit sarcastically but I was glad she said that as well.

"Okay let's finish this song. Off you go" Bret shooed Danielle and I out to the next room so we could get started on it again "From the top"

"He drowns in his dreams

An exquisite extreme I know

He's as dammed as he seems

More heaven than a heart could hold

And if I try to save him

My whole world would cave in

Just ain't right, no it just ain't right

Oh and I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

If I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster

He's magic and myth

As strong as what I believe

A tragedy with

More damage than a soul should see

And dare I try to change him

So hard not to blame him

Hold on tight, oh hold me tight

Oh and I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

If I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical

But he's only happy hysterical

I'm waiting for some kind of miracle

Waiting for so long

He's soft to the touch

But frayed at the end he breaks

He's never enough

And still he's more than I can take

And if I try to save him

My whole world would cave in

Just ain't right, no it just ain't right"

I ended the song as Danielle's piano skills took over and brought the song to an end just a few seconds later. I stood there biting my lip before she tapped me on my shoulder and we went back to the others.

I was smiling when I got inside because they were cheering me on and complimenting me on some brilliant writing "Why thank you very much" I put on my proud face

"Yes, that was spectacular" A voice said and my gaze went to a person who was standing in the corner, my smile faded just a little bit but I forced it up.

"Thank you" I said again before I broke my eye contact with him. It was the fist time I've seen him since that night I left him alone on his lawn. He looked good and I didn't expect him at all, I should've known this moment would come, I just thought it would be way later. I turned to Bret and Frank sitting in front of the mixing board "So let me hear it" I smiled as they replayed it and we stood there listening.

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